Rating Scores

(With special contributer, and my sister, Ligia)

Way way back in March 2005, my sister and I had a strange and memorable experience while sitting in the church balcony during a Sunday morning service. We witnessed something that caused us to create a list that to this day makes us amused and annoyed when looking at it. It was a rating scale of sorts and while we were pretty FCC conscious of our written language, we still think it's a relevant rating system in 2007. Rather than explain it here, we will go through each line and rehash the dumb moment that caused us to write about it on that slip of paper. All you need to know to start is that it involves four or so 16 year old boys, with their little leader instigating the madness right in front of us.

March 6, 2005

Fake snoring = Lame-butt:

These guys actually were fake snoring in the balcony. I remember looking at Ligia and asking if these guys were for real.

Ripping paper = Jackball*:
Not just any ripping, but ripping of the loud variety. The kind where you hold the paper out in front of you and make a prolonged rip right down the middle.

*Jackball is the combination of jackass and oddball. Thank you, Mr. Hendrie.

Writing "Hello" big on paper = Freak:
Their ring leader wrote a huge "HELLO" on a blank page and just flashed it to people down below.

Touching hair constantly like a mo = Mo:
I have no issue that his hair was styled and looked like he put some time into grooming as opposed to just grunting in the mirror and moving on. But he was straight up preening. I deeply objected.

Writing love letters to pastor = Flaming Mo:
Yes, the dude wrote "I LOVE YOU" on a page and just held it up at our pastor in the front.

Showing boxers = Lover of dill and flies*:
Something about guys and their not being able to just pull up their pants has always been a bugaboo of mine.

*Dill and Flies - Oh boy. Sort of a Romanian inside joke, but here's the gist. Dill is used in everything, and I mean anything that they think they can sneak away with, they'll do it. And my aunt, who is a notorious dill user, always has these buffet meals ready to go whenever she has a family get-together at her house. Alongside this display of food, there are also a multitude of flies always buzzing over the dill-infused food. One Sunday in church we found out we were going to lunch at that aunt's house and the phrase "Is she serving dill and flies" just came out on the notes I was writing to my sister. We literally laughed out loud during the service and my mom gave us the elbow jab and death glare. So whenever we have to go to her house, my sister and I never fail to ask my parents whether she will be serving "dill and flies" (It's much more affective a joke when you've had to endure that combination. Be forever grateful that you have been spared. For now.)

Drops a hymnal book = What a sap:
Sure, people accidentally drop books and no one gives a rip, but this was completely intentional. Plus they would really drop it so that it was a loud thud on the ground, loud enough to get people to look up into the balcony to see what was going on.

Wearing pen behind ear = Crackhead
I think this is where we kind of became a little ridiculous because now any little thing about these schmucks was irritating, and seeing a pen behind the ringleader's ear was enough to aggravate. Thus the use of crackhead.

Waving to someone in church = Creep

Come on. Waving to someone down below in the middle of a sermon? I was ready to shove him over the rail and accomodate his obvious need to say hello to his friend below.

So... I guess the point of this post is that Ligia and I get angry at idiots and will write the venom down to remember and get angry at for years to come. We rule.

Rod Stewart - Young Turks